It was 4am on a brisk summer morning in May. The cool air of the morning breezed through my window and woke me up. Before I could understand I was awake thoughts entered my mind. “This house is a disaster. I must get up and clean”, as I jumped to my feet and started scrubbing the kitchen and the bathroom (both rooms I knew I could clean without waking the baby). My mind did not clear. Instead it continued to fill with overwhelming thoughts of how Moses (my partner) didn’t make the food correctly for Luca (our baby) last night. He forgot to add the spinach which will obviously result in a lack of nutrition and Luca will not develop correctly, and it will be all our fault! Shortly after that thought had entered and exited my mind the thought of work popped up. I had forgotten to put something in the mail yesterday?! Now that person is going to call and say they hate the company and it is all because I forgot to put a courtesy letter in the mail on time. If you think the thoughts stopped there, you’re wrong. This was just the first ten minutes. For the next two hours thoughts would race around in my head and convince me I was not worthy, I was a bad mom, I would be a better person if I lost a few pounds. This was the anxiety attack that finally led me to call the doctor.

            Anxiety doesn’t pick someone because of karma or some other wrong in a life. Anxiety just freaking happens. After someone has a baby, they are prone to a cocktail of mental health off sets. The surge of hormones can make even the strongest of women feel alone, defeated and worthless. It took me a long time to realize that asshole of a voice within me had a name, and her name was, anxiety. The thought for this space came after many of my “mom-friends” continued to ask how I was doing. At the beginning I was great, what the heck were they talking about? As the weeks went on that damn anxiety started to find its way in and I got to understand what all these moms were talking about. That’s when I realized, I am not the only person this is happening to, there is a whole community and specifically there are a whole lot of new moms who are not only working to navigate keeping a child alive but they also are stuck to fight that asshole that won’t leave there mind. This space is a space of healing. It is a space for connection and resources. This might be the “About Me” section but my anxiety does not define me, and it does not have to define you. Whatever brought you here please know, you are welcome and loved and heard.